For many, November marks the beginning of the holiday season, a time usually spent with
family and friends celebrating tradition. For some, the holidays can be a particularly painful time,
whether that’s because family and friends have passed away, moved away, or become
estranged.
For those of you who struggling to cope with difficult feelings this holiday season:
● The holidays can be difficult even for those with no family conflict or without mental
health illness because there is so much pressure from family, friends, media, and even
from ourselves, for holidays to be perfect. Let me say this: it’s okay if your holiday
celebration doesn’t look like a Norman Rockwell illustration. For as much as I love
Norman Rockwell, perfection is a myth. The thing that makes holidays meaningful is the
meaning that we ascribe to them.
● Don’t minimize your grief or frustration. It’s okay to grieve the people and traditions that
you miss. Grief doesn’t only result from a person’s passing. You can grieve relationships,
lost time, and lost opportunities. Whatever form it takes, your grief is valid.
● It’s okay to not be happy. The holidays pressure us to feel happy. However, if you aren’t,
you aren’t. The calendar doesn’t dictate your feelings.
● It’s okay to say, “No.” That’s it. That’s the tip.
● Be open to making new traditions. New traditions can’t replace the old ones, but they
can create new, enjoyable memories.
● If you can, volunteer. Look, I know this sounds like toxic positivity, but we often help
ourselves when we help others.
For those of you who have friends and family that you suspect are struggling:
● When you can, support them by offering to listen or to spend time with them.
● Don’t minimize their feelings. Pain is relative, especially emotional pain.
● Understand that you don’t have to “do” anything. Often, when we try to help other
people, we feel the need to fix. Sadly, some things just can’t be fixed immediately, they
have to be felt first. Your presence can make that easier.
● Respect your loved one’s wishes and their boundaries. Your job is to be there when you
can. Theirs is to let you know that they want you there. If your loved one struggles with
asking for help, be explicit.
● Check on your loved one, even after the holidays.
● If your loved one is having difficulty coping, encourage them to consider speaking with a
mental health professional. You can offer to help them find someone or even accompany
them if they'd like.
Writing this, I am reminded of a scene from the movie, “A Christmas Story,” when a pack of
dogs sneak into the house and ravage the holiday turkey. Distraught by the desecration of their
delicious dinner by the devious dogs, the family makes the best of a bad situation and goes to a
Chinese restaurant. Ralphie narrates “That Christmas would live in our memories as the
Christmas we were introduced to Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.” It demonstrates
this concept that a holiday celebration, no matter how untraditional, only requires the meaning
we invest in it to be truly special.”